I have this feeling that a few more years down the road of whatever I will end up becoming in life, I will have a precious few stolen moments to myself and manage to give myself the luxury of looking at the life I will then lead through the eyes of the kid-me.
I just realized how depressing that sentence sounds.
I do not mean that in the way that I am sure that I will hate wherever I end up going and want to have an easy escape from life's harsh reality, but in the sense that I hope I will eventually reach a point in my life when I am content and can spend a few wasted moments laughing at the dreams I had made for myself as a kid. That still sounds pretty bad, right? Then let me put it this way: every person goes through the phase in their childhood when they want to be a superhero. Personally? I wanted to be Batman (still do). Back then, we had this strangely simple outlook on life that, to us, only led in two directions: you either become something everyone that means something to you is proud of, or you don't. Then, throughout the late years of elementary school and middle school, you start to realize that not everyone thinks the same way you do and, excuse my language, shit starts to get real. You no longer have the choice of being a superhero or a villain, the white or the black; now, you see all the other roles that make the superhero look so cool. The sidekicks, the bystanders, the casualties, the good friend who tries to help but ends up complicating things - all the gray shades are revealed with a single haunting question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Now, looking back as a Junior in high school and STILL getting asked that question as an ice-breaker, I realize that that question was - is - just life's subtle way of telling you that you need to get a move on and emerge from the safety net that those close to you have enveloped you in. Granted, that many managed to accomplish that feat well before their peers, by the time you enter high school, you're expected to have your life mapped out before you (no matter if just the day before, you were solemnly informing your dad that you wanted to be firefighter and in the next breath screaming at your kid siblings that you were going to be a surgeon just so you could have a certificate to cut them up and sew them back together - as a harmless threat of course).
I, unfortunately, fell into the latter category, wanting to be a Homicide Detective throughout middle school, then a General Surgeon throughout my freshmen and most of sophomore year, and now settling on a Corporate Lawyer. I have to say, growing up in a family where education is a revered thing and then seeing your older siblings graduating as valedictorian with their lives completely mapped out in front of them, my indecision is quite scary to me. That threat of making the wrong decision, throwing a precious life away and becoming a person that just gets in the way of everything important, remains hanging over my head. While others may see this "threat' as something demoralizing or something not to be overcome, I would like to say that that "threat" IS my greatest motivation.
I have changed the meaning of the accomplishments of my siblings and dreams of my parents to mean something more than just requirements to pass or fulfill - they are now my challenge. If my siblings can do so much, I can do better. In a way, those long years when I was just another current on the wind with no direction (sounds sappy, I know) have helped me be more flexible in how I can achieve what I want to. Instead of mapping out my adult-life during my child-life and having this golden life waiting for me and being disappointed when the color of your dream house is just a shade too light, I can just shrug my shoulders, call Home Depot and get it repainted.
Right now, I am happy at where I am, no matter that there may be people better off than me, or people worse off. I know what I need to do in order to get to where I want to - and how to do it. Rigorous coursework, pulling all-nighters (unhealthy, I know), and running on orange juice while bargaining with teachers to allow you to turn in just one more extra credit assignment before grades are do - that is where I want to be my Senior year. Because I know, in the end, avoiding near-collapsations because of fatigue will be worth it when I am sitting at my desk, regal as can be, while my secretary forwards calls to Jasdeep Bains, J.D. and all those people who thought I couldn't make it will be too busy crying about their one shade too light white-picket fence house.
I just realized how depressing that sentence sounds.
I do not mean that in the way that I am sure that I will hate wherever I end up going and want to have an easy escape from life's harsh reality, but in the sense that I hope I will eventually reach a point in my life when I am content and can spend a few wasted moments laughing at the dreams I had made for myself as a kid. That still sounds pretty bad, right? Then let me put it this way: every person goes through the phase in their childhood when they want to be a superhero. Personally? I wanted to be Batman (still do). Back then, we had this strangely simple outlook on life that, to us, only led in two directions: you either become something everyone that means something to you is proud of, or you don't. Then, throughout the late years of elementary school and middle school, you start to realize that not everyone thinks the same way you do and, excuse my language, shit starts to get real. You no longer have the choice of being a superhero or a villain, the white or the black; now, you see all the other roles that make the superhero look so cool. The sidekicks, the bystanders, the casualties, the good friend who tries to help but ends up complicating things - all the gray shades are revealed with a single haunting question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Now, looking back as a Junior in high school and STILL getting asked that question as an ice-breaker, I realize that that question was - is - just life's subtle way of telling you that you need to get a move on and emerge from the safety net that those close to you have enveloped you in. Granted, that many managed to accomplish that feat well before their peers, by the time you enter high school, you're expected to have your life mapped out before you (no matter if just the day before, you were solemnly informing your dad that you wanted to be firefighter and in the next breath screaming at your kid siblings that you were going to be a surgeon just so you could have a certificate to cut them up and sew them back together - as a harmless threat of course).
I, unfortunately, fell into the latter category, wanting to be a Homicide Detective throughout middle school, then a General Surgeon throughout my freshmen and most of sophomore year, and now settling on a Corporate Lawyer. I have to say, growing up in a family where education is a revered thing and then seeing your older siblings graduating as valedictorian with their lives completely mapped out in front of them, my indecision is quite scary to me. That threat of making the wrong decision, throwing a precious life away and becoming a person that just gets in the way of everything important, remains hanging over my head. While others may see this "threat' as something demoralizing or something not to be overcome, I would like to say that that "threat" IS my greatest motivation.
I have changed the meaning of the accomplishments of my siblings and dreams of my parents to mean something more than just requirements to pass or fulfill - they are now my challenge. If my siblings can do so much, I can do better. In a way, those long years when I was just another current on the wind with no direction (sounds sappy, I know) have helped me be more flexible in how I can achieve what I want to. Instead of mapping out my adult-life during my child-life and having this golden life waiting for me and being disappointed when the color of your dream house is just a shade too light, I can just shrug my shoulders, call Home Depot and get it repainted.
Right now, I am happy at where I am, no matter that there may be people better off than me, or people worse off. I know what I need to do in order to get to where I want to - and how to do it. Rigorous coursework, pulling all-nighters (unhealthy, I know), and running on orange juice while bargaining with teachers to allow you to turn in just one more extra credit assignment before grades are do - that is where I want to be my Senior year. Because I know, in the end, avoiding near-collapsations because of fatigue will be worth it when I am sitting at my desk, regal as can be, while my secretary forwards calls to Jasdeep Bains, J.D. and all those people who thought I couldn't make it will be too busy crying about their one shade too light white-picket fence house.